When was the last time you heard your Ego talking. Everyday, right. Remove yourself from the conversation; instead, take a front row seat watching yourself and your Ego duke it out. Sit back and smile, your soul is laughing. The you who is listening knows better.
I used to have a hard time going out of town. I’d weigh the what-ifs with the shoulda, woulda, couldas, and call up my mom to discuss pros and cons until ambivalence trumped interest. I’d wait until the last moment possible to choose black or white, hanging out in gray area until I was sweating indecision. I would analyze and over analyze; meanwhile, clinging to the possibility of staying and going. It was an illusion of control.
Then I realized, if I had to ask, I already knew the answer. As in, if I am asking you to help me make a decision, I am looking for reinforcement of gut feelings. I may nod my head in agreement or even try-on your advice, but it won’t take me long to wrestle with the pit in my stomach.
A few months ago, I purchased a ticket to attend the doTERRA Dream Convention and you better bet I was excited about it, until I wasn’t. Spending a couple days with 30,000 oil junkies, YES. Traveling cross-country with an 8 month old, NOT SO MUCH. After a challenging beach trip; wherein, I discovered my sweet angel was actually a beach-loathing monster, I thought to myself, what in the world have I gotten myself into. Enter denial.
I promptly reached out to my Airbnb host hoping he’d tell me babies were not allowed in his condo so I’d have an easy out. No luck. Next, I mentioned to my mother that I was apprehensive in heading to DREAM (mind you, I had already convinced her to come with me and she had a plane ticket to boot). I was testing the waters. Bless my mother who gave me space to waiver indecisively as I attempted to get answers from my husband, friends, and neighbors; ultimately, phoning my favorite therapist for reassurance in making a decision I.e. acknowledging my intuition as truth.
From the outside lookin in, I could sit back and say, “listen up, you already know,” but the struggle was real. It’s challenging to let go of what could be and embrace reality. To give up the illusion of control. No matter how long I held on, I couldn’t stay and go.
Have you ever opened your mouth and suddenly wanted to laugh at yourself? This was one of those moments. As I explain this entire scenario to my counselor, I’m in the passenger seat watching last weeks struggle unravel. I saw my desire to offset my decision, to blame it on an uncontrollable rather than myself, and I realized why I was hanging on, one foot in and one foot out. It was the big bad emotion creeping in, fear. I looked fear in the face, cancelled our arrangements, and said sayonara to analysis paralysis.
With the possibility of mind-changing out, a lighter attitude resurfaced. Am I disappointed, sure thing. Will it be hard to see photos of other mamas and babies with the iconic O, absolutely. Did I make the right decision, 100%. Trepidation was real. Hesitation was for a reason. This year, I will watch Convention online maybe even in my pajamas. You can even Watch DREAM with me.
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